Worship

Out of pride have I come, bearing false sacrifice

It has only belied the hardness inside

I am here to repent. Will You break through this stone?

Will You humble this soul? Make me acceptable?

-You Have Opened My Mouth by Ghost Ship

 For the last couple of years I have felt extremely apathetic about worship.  I've felt apathetic about a lot of things.  Some of these things I used to care passionately about, but recently I've felt neutral or disinterested towards them.  This isn't to say that I've been completely disinterested in worship, but most of the time I don't feel like the songs apply to me.  So I guess I could say that most of the time I come bearing false sacrifice when I come to sing to God.

The last few years have been a dry patch for me spiritually.  God has done amazing things in the past two years, but I definitely felt a separation from Him from what I used to feel.  I was at a loss to find an answer to this new emotional state.  After praying and waiting for months and months I finally realized that I had ceased to maintain my thankful attitude toward God because I had stopped reminiscing on His work in my life.  That is why I started to blog again.  I realized that blogging is where I really enjoyed (and found it easier than writing in my journal) writing about God's grace.  What finally made me realize what started this dry spell was a statement made by Oswald Chambers.  He wrote that worship "is giving to God the best that He has given you" (entry for January 6.).

Another element that added to my confusion was being confronted with enthusiastic singing at NU.  Worship here is highly emotional (some people have described it as Jesus-is-my-boyfriend-lyrics) and highly repetitive.  People raise their hands, clap, and dance.  This was such a culture shock for me.  My junior high youth group worship functioned much like this, but that was a long time ago for me.  Since then I had gotten used to focusing on your response to the lyrics as the main point and not the emotions that everyone else had from the lyrics or music.  I guess at my church worship is more introverted, but here it is extroverted.

I was comforted to know that I wasn't the only one who struggled to adjust to this style of worship.  One friend explained that she doesn't express herself in worship the same way as the majority of NU students do.  I agreed with her.  My preferences in worship align much more with hymns.  I like the mix of words and how many different parts of a story they try to tell.  I struggle to "get into" repetitive songs that repeat the same nine words for twenty minutes (I'm not kidding).

I feel like judgment is so easy when it comes to worship.  For people like me, it's easy to look at people who worship in an extroverted style and automatically assume that they are just being swept away by their emotions and that there is no real change occuring in their lives.  This is so, so dangerous-not to mention sinful.  I am in no position to look at my brothers and sisters and assume that I know their stories and their lives.  Judgment is also easy from the other side.  Extroverted worshipers might assume that just because I am not raising my hands or openly weeping I'm not worshipping.

As I mentioned at the beginning I can see how I was bringing false sacrifices of worship for the past couple of years, but this also happens to extroverted worshippers.  This is one of the reasons I am so tempted to judge them: because I know that I do the same things.  I present this false image in order to be accepted, but am I actually listening to the words I'm singing?  Are they impacting my life?  Maybe...  Maybe not.  Only God and I know.

So this school year has been interesting.  I've struggled with understanding what worship looks like for me and what it looks like for other people.  I've learned that I like worship songs that are like the music that I listen to, which is pretty low-key.  I've learned that I do not like Jesus-is-my-boyfriend-lyrics being repeated endlessly.  I am very grateful for Mars Hill and the worship they have there.  They do a very good job of keeping the focus off of themselves and onto the lyrics and God.  I think that's another issue I struggle with here; I feel like I'm distracted by the clothes, hair, makeup, or fancy vocal flourishes the singers throw into worship.  ...But that's just me.

I guess the takeaway for me was that whether you worship outwardly or inwardly, you can still bring false sacrifice.  But don't think you can look at your neighbor and see what it going on in their heads- leave that to God. 

"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts... O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:6a, 15-17

I am kind of lacking words right now. I had a lot of them, but now I just feel sadness. I just watched The Devil Came on Horseback. It's about the genocide in Darfur.

How many of you remember Darfur? I didn't.

I live in this sheltered bubble. My bubble consists of working and doing school. I hang out with my friends, I go to church, I try to live for God. The major concern of my life is doing well in school and paying for school. My minor concerns are the rising fuel prices.

My bubble was just popped. People are being murdered and our government is doing nothing. Its hands are tied. This situation is so complicated... And these horrid things are not just happening in Darfur, they are happening all over the place.

The movie uses a lot of pictures. There are pictures of dead people, all killed in various ways. I didn't cry until this one Sudanese man was interviewed. He told the people about how he and his family had to escape. Then he talked about how he wants the Sudanese government to make peace with the Sudanese people. Then he said he wanted to send his very warm thanks to the American people. He said that all the aid he has received has been from America. Then he said, "We pray for the American people."

I'm crying right now. The main concern of the average American is how horrid the economy is. That man's concern is getting back to his homeland, which was bombed. He has probably lost many friends and family members. And we complain about paying more for milk.

"We pray for the American people." Then he started crying... He had so much gratitude for us. We give so little, but it's so much to them.

These horrid situations that are in the world are a result from our brilliant idea to rebel against God. Can you imagine how horrible it must have been when Noah was alive? God wiped the earth clean because it was so bad. Now we're all just waiting for Jesus to come and get us.

Anyway, all of you should see this movie. It will burst your bubble. We Americans need that.

I opened up the web and the main story on CNN was that someone died in a hospital waiting room and the family was suing for $25 million. People are killing others and some of us are so deluded that we can't see past our own small problems. Also, Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend just had a baby; I'm so glad that's big news. We all needed to know that so badly.

God is astounding.

Ask Him to bring you closer and He will.

See how I love Thy precepts; revive me. O Lord, according to Thy lovingkindness.
Thy word all together is truth; every one of Thy righteous ordinances has everlasting vitality.
-Psalm 119:159-160

Everylasting vitality... His words are life giving, eternally.

Awesome Scholarship!

My favorite so far is the duct tape scholarship. You have to go to prom wearing a dress made entirely out of duct tape and your person must be wearing duct tape as well. I'll list some of my favorites.

Classy.

SO. MUCH. WORK.

I would wear this dress...

Probably my favorite so far.

Wooooow.

Cute.

Aaaaaaand the winners of the contest.

Polka dots!

Think they were from a small town? Camo and hunter orange... hmm..

hahahahahah....

I am liking the unique colors here...

Depression

37% of girls and 20% of guys in the U.S. have been so hopeless that they have stopped their regular activities.

22% of girls and 12% of guys have seriously thought about committing suicide.

Recently, I've been confronted (and yes, I do mean confronted) with many lost people. These people are hurt and floundering, looking for some purpose in life. This leads them to drugs, alcohol, sex.... Every place but where satisfaction is found. What's even more painful than watching them do this is knowing that the only One who gives purpose is so near to them, just waiting for them to ask Him to change them. These people are curious about Christianity, hungry for something more than the horrible things that they run to for satisfaction.

How will they know unless we tell them? How will they know unless we make a stand and lovingly tell them about our Savior? It's not the popular thing to do and we will get laughed at, but believe me.. It's worth it. They need Him, just like we needed Him. If it wasn't for His grace we would be where they are.. Lost and hurting. But we aren't there and we aren't there because someone heard His voice and told us about what He did.

A week or so ago I was talking to a guy about his religion. He said that as long as people are good then God will accept them (by the way, me talking to people about "religion" isn't a normal thing, usually the conversations I have with people are just focused on Jesus, but as it turned out, it was a good thing that we were talking about religion). I said something about how we are all sinners. A girl we were with whipped around and said, "Maybe we should talk about something else."

"Well, I'd rather talk about this than sex and booze."

"I don't want to hear about why you think I'm going to hell."

This was rather a tense moment, but then we moved on. A few minutes later she asked me what I thought about evolution and that lead into a conversation with lots of good questions from her. She was hungry. It was actually really amazing because just from the questions she asked I presented the Gospel. And no, she didn't accept Christ, but she heard me giving glory to God.

It's so important that they see us, you guys... It's SO important. And you don't know where your neighbor, co-worker, or fellow student is at. Just be prepared to give glory to God at any time. He left us in the world for a purpose, and that purpose is that more people can be saved.

"But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!”
Romans 10:14-15

God is good.

I felt really alone today, but only for like five minutes. God is good, He gives me everything that I need, He never leaves me by myself.

"Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:8-9

Hmm...

Ah, love...

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
-Ephesians 6:18

I love Jesus. I always said I loved Jesus but over the past few weeks I've been learning more about my relationship to Him and man.. I love Jesus.

I was at work a few weeks ago and I started praying something along the lines of, "You know Jesus, I'm so glad I can talk to you because I'd be pretty lonely if I was all by myself." It's the truth. My thought life is pretty random, but I usually merge in and out of prayer times during the day. Like I'll remember something that I need to pray about or even if I just feel like talking to Jesus (or just laughing at how amazing His sense of humor is, like a few weeks ago I was having a really hard time and I opened up the nearest Bible and it opened to Psalm 31. I read it and it was really what I needed and then I read verse nine, "Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly." I burst out laughing, and then I was weeping and laughing. "yea, my soul and my belly." XD God is amazing, He reminded me that what I was going through would pass... And that I had things to laugh about.). It's pretty fantastic. And especially at work because you're pretty much alone with about six dogs for eight hours and you go a little crazy sometimes, but I found myself talking to Jesus more at work just because I wasn't doing homework or dealing with people. That's when I realized how nice it is to have Him always there.. Always listening. What if I wasn't a Christian? I would have gone CRAZY. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but after five hours of being in a big room all alone with dogs.. Throwing balls for them... You either talked to the dogs, yourself or Jesus.

One time I took Kona outside for a walk and I was talking to her partially and mostly to myself and I looked up and some guy was doing landscaping work. I laughed at myself for a while. But see!!! If you talk to yourself all the time you go CRAZY. So I was really glad to be able to talk to Jesus. lol.

Jesus keeps my sanity. (And also, I've just got to the New Testament in my chronological journey through the Bible and I'm in Matthew... I don't think it's ever struck me before just how often Jesus healed people... It's crazy! But I shall post about that at another time.)

I still love Downhere (in case you were wondering)

I met You like a little child
Wide-eyed and mystified
That You could love even me
So I'm here to testify
That it's been an amazing ride with You
And I have never walked alone
Wanna give You every moment, every minute
It's takes a lifetime to know You, to know You

And the more You show me, the more You grow me
The more Your glory becomes all there is
And the more I know You, the more I need You
The more I love You, the more You become to me

Fast-forward to the golden years
A smaller pride and a bigger fear
But still, no way are we done yet
I pray that You would keep me mystified,
In every way that I will still abide in You
Till You come to take me home
Wanna give You every moment, every minute
And take a lifetime to know You, to know You

Wanna give You every moment, every minute
I'll take a lifetime to know You
Hold me Lord, keep me
Draw me closer every moment of my life
-The More by Downhere

Honestly I had forgotten to search after the heart of God. I was complacent and I forgot that I can never fully know Him, but I want to.

Are you still amazed at who He is? You should be, I should be.. We need to learn who our Savior is. He wants us to discover who He is, this is all part of worship.

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

-Psalm 63:1-5

Deep-ish post alert! Run for the hills! Or read it if you want...

I was hanging out with Mary and Amelia in the cafeteria today because pickle ball was canceled (so they had nothing to do) and I was early for class. So we were just hanging out and I looked over and I saw Connor and I was like, "Eep! I'll go ask him to sit with us!" And the Anti Social Anti Club groaned and said, "Can't you wait for half an hour?" So I left them with a glare for Connor's table.

So anyway, I sat down and he kind of jumped. lol. Anyway, we started talking about stuff and man.. It's always so great to talk to him because the spiritual things are interwoven into it. I asked him if he knew what college he wanted to go to yet and he said he didn't, but he was trusting God with it. He had just told me about the things that led up to his salvation (which was like... Last March.) and man.. It really is amazing how God works all things out for our good. It would take a while to tell you the whole story, I don't even know it fully. Connor has been writing it out and he's at 10 pages now, but he's just a tenth of the way done. =P So Connor responded to my college question with the thing about trusting God and he said that with all the Lord has done in the last year he couldn't guess what He is going to do in the future. So Connor is just going to wait for the Lord and he's totally ok with not knowing (although he's not just being lazy. He has applied to like 5 colleges. =P).

This really isn't a post focused on Connor, I promise you. ;)

After he made that statement of trust he said this in regard to what he is going to do:

Two rules, love God and love others more than you love yourself, which is interesting if you don't love yourself.

And then he said, "But.. That's a whole other issue. I'll address that at some other point." lol. Anyway, it was fantastic to talk to him again and I've missed having him around because most guys at school [read every guy that I've met thus far save three. But this isn't counting the guys that I've grown up with like Allen] are not seeking God, and plus Connor is hilarious.

I thought about what he said about loving yourself and it didn't really hit me how deep that was. It is so true. If you don't know your worth in God's sight you won't know anyone else's worth. I'm going to use an example of girls because, well, I am a girl and I'm not exactly sure how this self image thing works for guys.

Wow. I am really hesitant to write about some examples of not loving yourself and hurting others because it's really ugly and I do it a lot. I'm sure that every girl has done it, you see a girl.. Any girl and you size her up. Either you think that she is more attractive than you and you search for faults, or you think that she is less attractive than you and in that thought resides smug pride. I've been watching a movie with friends and the lead actress will come on and two of my friends immediately point out the actress's perceived faults. Sometimes I catch this and I look at them like, "What in the world are you doing?! God MADE HER. He MADE YOU. He chose EVERY SINGLE PART OF HER and He chose EVERY SINGLE PART OF YOU. You're BOTH lovely!!!" But mostly there's a voice in my head that joins them... And far too often it goes unnoticed by me.

Or if you know a girl and you feel so less pretty than she is. Little snide comments that seem innocent come out, but if you really looked into your own heart you would see jealousy.

How in the world am I supposed to SHOW Christ's love to some girl if I envy her?!?! It wouldn't truly be Christ's love because I would always be putting myself before her and trying in every small way to put her down.

But what about when I remember how I am loved and because of that when I love myself? What happens then? Then you can actually love that person! Then you know that God made both of you with a purpose and that nothing can make either of you more or less loved by God. Then you'll find yourself not tearing her down, but building her up.

Can you see how important loving yourself is? I would say that it is key to showing Christ's love. It's key to coming to live how we were supposed to live. Not with jealousy, but genuine care for others. I think that when you love yourself, truly love yourself then you can love others better.

I also think that girls tear each other down because of fear. That's just it, it's plain old fear. Fear of losing status, fear of losing attention... But you know what the Bible says? Perfect love drives out fear.

Wow. I love how God did that. I left early for school because of the snow, but the roads were fine but because of that I got to talk to Connor for like half an hour and the Lord used him to remind me of what love is. And I just looked up love in quick verse and 1 John 4 came up. Wow.... I love how God works. :)

This is my cry for us! "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." (vs. 7)

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." (vs. 11-12)

(note in verse 16 how it says that while we are on earth we are like Him.. We're representing Him, you guys..)

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (vs 18)

"If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." (vs. 20-21)

Letting petty pride live on is not an option for followers of Christ and I've forgotten that.

Love each other, guys. Let's practice living like our Lord.

hmm...

I was talking to a homeschooled guy about a month or so ago about school and stuff. I told him what college I was going to and he said something about how his friends that go there say it's hard to witness because it's so secular.

.... o_O

Are you going to witness in church?!

His friends were correct in saying that my school is very secular. You can feel the depression in the people. Not many people are truly happy and honestly I don't think I've ever been in such a dark place. What else could happen when all they teach is basically just avoidance of God?

Even though being at this school could potentially depress some Christians. Actually, I don't think it would depress Christians. If you are walking in the light then the Lord will be leading your to witness to others. And that is truly the most joyful experience I've had in the past year. This last year has been a growing period for me and the years prior seem like growing up in a bubble (hahahah.. I almost said, "like veal" hahah!! But I wasn't eaten, so it wasn't really like veal... lol). Not that my childhood was bad, but I was surrounded by other Christians. I went to church, Sunday school, Awana, Christian co-ops, youth group, youth camps, Bible studies... I was raised in a Christian environment with little interaction with non-Christians. There was some interaction, but never every single day.

Then January 2nd, 2007 came around and ****BOOM**** there I was.. Smack dab in the middle of secular center. But what an opportunity to witness! In the darkness a light shines all the brighter.

I don't know all of what God is doing through me at school, but I have seen some things. Like the way He opened up the hearts of two of my new friends so I could talk to them about the Lord. He is good and I'm so glad that He's put me in the world because this is truly living. We need to minister to those who need Him.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
Isaiah 61:1

Go out there, you guys, because it is a very dark world and they need Him.

Looking back

Well I've officially been in college for one year. Today went a lot better than last year's January 2nd. The Lord has taught me so much in college, and He has given me opportunities to share Him with others. I think the biggest lesson that I learned about in 2007 was about my need for humility. I also learned so many other lessons in the last year. I found these verses and I think they sum up my year. I have the words fortress, consolation, love, and support written on my mirror to remind me. He is my fortress, the only one who makes me feel safe.

Unless the LORD had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul. (vs. 17-19)

But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge. (vs 22)
-Psalm 94: 17-19, 22

What else can I do in response to that love but give my all to Him?

Christmas

I am now in Isaiah in my chronological journey through the Bible. I spent some more time on chapter 53 and I looked into what His actions were and why He did those things. It was a good reminder. He died for my issues, for your issues... Everyone's issues.

For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
Isaiah 54:5

His actions.... because of my issues
Took up- infirmities
Carried- sorrows
Pierced- transgressions
Crushed for- iniquities
Bore-sin

Because of what He did he justified many and made intercession for us.

He deserves all our praises, think about that as you celebrate with your family.

Good, fun time

Allie came over last night to avoid the masses of smelly boys that came for Phil's birthday. Thhe'th mah Alliekinth, and I wuvth her thooooooo much!
We went to the mall first. And Allie exclaimed that she wanted her future man to wear shirts like this.
I said I wanted my future man to wear shirts like this. XD My next choice would have been the gangster mannequin of course.. =P

My favorite quote from the night:

"My man will have to smell like he just skinned a thousand deer."

.... *bursts out laughing*

Or, "Allie must eat the Grinch to save Christmas!!!"

Or, "My cheeks hurt from laughing..."

"My ribs hurt from laughing and I'm sitting on them, so it hurts even more."

"hahaahha!!! How do you sit on your ribs!? *tries to do so* ... *fails* I CAN'T DO IT!!! *bursts out laughing*"

But in all seriousness we got to talk about some stuff that we really NEEDED some clarification on. God really spoke through Allie and some circumstances last night to give me some very much needed clarity about a situation. And I must say, it's wonderful when the Lord works in such ways. All in all, it was quite wonderful. She played some of her songs for me and I just want to keep her locked away under the stairs so I can take her out and listen to her sing whenever I want to. But she said she'll be recording stuff soon, so I don't have to keep her locked under the stairs. ;) Seriously though, the Lord has really blessed her with a gift with lyrics and music. Her lyrics seem to resound with my own heart and I'm super excited for when I can just turn on the stereo and listen to her. But it is quite lovely to listen to her live. :)

The Gospel Plans

And now the LORD says—
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant
to bring Jacob back to him
and gather Israel to himself,
for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD
and my God has been my strength-

he says:
"It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
to restore the tribes of Jacob
and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,
that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth."

-Isaiah 49:5-6

*stretches*

*yawns*

Well. For all of those uninformed people in the world, this week is Sans-makeup week. And I must say, it's addictive.

I might go sans-makeup for a while longer.. It's so easy and worry free!

For now, I'm pretty happy not wearing makeup.

He makes me feel like dancing!

This weekend was AMAZING. None of my girls were broken and eagerly desiring God and that disappointed me, but God certainly had a plan.

I wasn't just ministering to them, He was ministering to me through them.

And now I feel like dancing.

I saw Mrs. Taylor on Friday and she got so happy to see Allie and I that she said, "GIRLS!" and ran over and gave us hugs. I saw her last night and I think what she said sums up my feelings. "This is what we were created to do, so it's no wonder that we feel so full."



I feel full. How do you feel? I said Jesus' name this weekend, I shared my faith with 3 ladies and I prayed with all of them. Today I witnessed to a girl that I've been sitting in the hall with for an hour each day before English.

And now I feel like dancing.

She had come to the festival with her father, and I had also invited her. She came on Friday and she said it was interesting. Her father's life mission is to convert her, she says. She said she has become jaded by his efforts. But in my opinion she wasn't jaded.

Jaded is seeing a person raised in church but still not believing. How can you get through to someone who has already heard EVERYTHING? You can't. You have to trust that God is working on their hearts and you have to be patient. But people raised in the church are the hardest to witness to.

She definitely wasn't jaded. She researched religions this weekend because she was really confused and she said she's starting to favor eastern religions. So I asked her why and she said something about how connected they are to nature. So I told her how God made the world for His glory and when we see nature we go, "Wow God! You made all of this so wonderfully!" So I explained to her what the Christian view of nature was.

She said how her dad made her jaded and that she doesn't think he's a good Christian. But she said she thinks that I'm a more accurate display of a Christian, I've told her that I am not going to hit her with my Bible because I know that won't make her go, "Jesus! yay!" I've told her that before. But it was SO encouraging to have her actually being curious!

How the Lord works! At the beginning of this quarter I was wondering how I could share Jesus with her. I was reading this pamphlet I got at the Christian Life and Witness class about friendship evangelism. It talked about not beating them over the head with a Bible, but showing love to them and getting to know them. Then they get to know your character... And the author said he likes to think of people with the Spirit of the Lord moving over them, meaning that the Lord is working on their hearts... And you never know how YOU are being used for God's will.

So anyway! It was super! And I took pictures from the festival on the last day just by the way.. 0_o

So I have a question for you. How full are you? Are you living quietly? I felt so stifled not being able to talk about my Lord around that girl, but she knew I was a Christian because I had talked to Connor about his testimony and other stuff. But it was nice to finally talk to her about Jesus and to proclaim His name and His power.

His word really is a fire shut up in my bones..

I'm going to take this opportunity right now to say that the Lord is glorious.

In my heart, in my heart, there's a fire burning
A passion deep within my soul
Not slowing down, not growing cold
An unquenchable flame that keeps burning brighter
A love that's blazing like the sun
For who You are and what You've done

And as the fire is raging on
So Your praise becomes my song

The whole earth
Is filled with Your glory, Lord
Angels and men adore
Creation longs for what's in store
(Mountains bow and oceans roar)
May You be
Honored and glorified
Exalted and lifted high
Here at Your feet I lay my life

From the ends of the earth
To the heights of Heaven
Your glory, Lord, is far and wide
Through history You reign on high

From the depths of the sea
To the mountain's summit
Your power, Lord, it knows no bounds
A higher love cannot be found

So let the universe proclaim
Your great power and Your great name
-Filled with Your Glory by Starfield

Self Respect is actually linked to the respect YOU receive

Or more accurately, to get it, you must live it. (cheesy!!)


My thoughts about beauty and respect are closely tied together, so it's hard to think of beauty without having thoughts of respect at the same time. So the day after I wrote the post on beauty I thought about respect and I opened up my Bible before I left for school in the morning. It opened (just on its own.. lol. My Bible does that. O_o) to Proverbs chapter eleven. The first verse that I saw was, "A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth." (verse 16).

After that my heart filled with thankfulness. For many days, weeks and months the Lord has been teaching me about how my actions are reflected in how others treat me. He used friends and people that I know from church, men who are strong in the Lord and who I respect, to teach me about respect. One of my friends basically said that the girls who are not vulgar and wait patiently get the truly loving response from guys.

This post isn't actually about girl/guy relationships, honestly. It's about how girls get treated. One of the reasons that I felt that I was not beautiful 3 years ago was because no guys treated me the way they treated the other girls. Today guys still treat me differently.

For instance a few weeks ago I got to youth group and a friend of mine got there at the same time as me. So just randomly I said hi as I walked by. Then we exchanged the "how are you?" bits and whatever. Then he said, "Actually, could you help me with something?" So I helped him carry some of his stuff in. It was a good thing because we were able to talk about a friend of his who is making really bad life choices. My friend is having a hard time watching his friend mess up. So the Lord had that whole meeting planned out. I felt kind of refreshed afterward because that guy and I rarely ever have a conversation. I thought about our conversation for weeks afterward. I finally realized that he talks to me differently than he talks to other girls. When he talks to other girls he flirts with them and is kind of hasty in his words. But in our conversation he actually spoke to me like a human being and we had an adult conversation.

Our conversation was so refreshing because he respected me by not treating me like some worthless girl. So what I've realized is that because I present myself in a respectable way (not just clothes, but also attitude) that my guy friends treat me differently.

Not to say that I'm perfect, because I'm not. But because the Lord has worked in me I live differently than most girls my age and people do notice.

So beauty and respect are closely linked in my mind. It's a little hard to describe, but I believe that the way you act shows who you are on the inside and if you are receiving respect then you can know that God is working in your life.

I must also say that many of my friends are amazing. They are so beautiful on the outside and their actions show how lovely they are on the inside. I thank you girls for being deeper than the average girl. Sadly, many girls care nothing about being respectable, they want immediate results and they aren't patient.

The other verse that is in that chapter that so closely relates to my last paragraph is verse 22. "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."

So what's my challenge this time? Be patient ladies! Let the Lord work in your hearts. You can send me an email, post a comment, give me a call and I'll tell you more about my struggles and how far He has taken me. He really doesn't just leave us where we are, stuck in sin. He perfects us.

I have some verses from Philippians that are very relevant to this.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:12-14

aaaand, "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Philippians 1:3-6

Harsh words...

I'm going to say some things that may sound kind of harsh, but I believe that they need to be addressed. To anyone who thinks I am writing personally to them I am not, so you can lay that thought aside right now. I'm writing this because I think every single girl needs to understand these things.

Your worth is not determined by how you think you look. You do not say if you are attractive or not.

That being said I will explain that confusing statement. If I were to say to you that you ARE lovely and that God made you exactly the way you are FOR A REASON, what would you say to me?

What if I quoted this verse to you? "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7

What would your reaction be? Let's say that I specifically gave YOU that verse, what is the first thing that came in to your mind? Didn't you immediately have a defensive reaction and think, "No flaw?! Pshaw... What about my hair? What about my weight? What about me teeth? I DO have flaws!"

Didn't you think that? I know that excuse came to my mind. Yeah, I just said excuse.

You do not choose whether you are beautiful or not. God made YOU lovely. He specifically picked your eyes (blue, brown, green, hazel, deep and dark, bright), your noise (thin, long, short....), your cheekbones (prominent, wide, long...), your hair (frizzy, straight, thin, thick, curly, wavy..), He chose all of them to be unified in you. There is no one like you.

He has given you a personality, He picked it out for you.

What if I told you that the verse I quoted about "All beautiful you are.... There is no flaw in you." what if I said that God saw you like that. Flawless. Every part of you as beautiful. No tooth in the wrong place, no moles in the wrong spot, no weird looking toes.

God values distinctness. He values your beauty. YOU are an expression of His creativity! How can the pottery say to the Potter that they should not be shaped in a certain way? You have no choice in the way that God thinks about you. And He thinks that you are beautiful.

I'm not innocent and perfect in the way that I view myself. I fail and start criticizing my Maker's plans for me. He has taken me a long way however. Three years ago my self esteem was pretty much just blaaaah. I thought I could never be as pretty as the girls that I hung out with, after all they wore a size 2 and had boys following them around. I believed the lie that I was not and never would be beautiful. As time went on God showed me how I really look. I still see myself with a critical eye, always finding one more fault in me. But there has been a change in me. I've learned that I am beautiful and that God has made me that way.

He has also revealed to me the extent of how horribly girls feel about themselves. For instance when I watch a movie with a friend of mine she makes comments about the lead actress, something wrong with her nose or something.. All in attempt to make herself feel more beautiful.

No one should try to make themselves feel beautiful by pushing others down. Every girl is beautiful.

"The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you."
Our God Reigns by Delirious?

God did not screw up when He made you. I can't make you believe that, He has to show you that and I pray that your heart would be open to Him. He will show you many wonderful things about how He made you and also about Himself.

Remember that He loves to parade you, He knows that you are beautiful. Think about it.

I just finished my first speech for Public Speaking. It was about my "diverse heritage."

I've decided that I can't think about it any more or my head will explode. I always feel like I do so horribly but usually it all turns out ok. So I cannot analyze it right now! I'm taking a mental break. I still have a lot left to do but oh yeah!!! I finished my first speech and I didn't die! This is a good thing. I will say some things about it buuuuuuuuuut I'm soooo tired! Today is a really long day. Anyway. Dr. Z said that we could talk about our religious heritage, educational heritage, she pretty much gave us free reign. So I talked about how my Grandma is the main reason that I am saved. I was kind of nervous about talking about that because I go to a very, very secular community college and being a Christian is not usually smiled upon. I wasn't the only one who spoke about that. There's a lady named Cherrie and she's a Christian. She said how for a while she thought her identity was from her position (wife, mother, daughter, sister) and she wasn't too happy with that. Then she started going to church and she realized that her position is in Christ. She spoke before I did and it really encouraged me.

But I've never been this vocal about my faith in a class before, in this class you have to be vocal with your classmates, unlike math or English. So yeah...

But the whole thing wore me out. I got a lot done though! I finished the lab work in like 2 and a half hours. I also started researching for my essay.

The temptation for me right now is to worry, to try and control things. A verse I found last night really reminds me of how I should not be trying to control things.

"Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always."
-Psalm 105:4