This past year has been a blur, it seems like my Spiritual life was kind of put off for school. Oh yes, I did my devotions every night, I came to every Awana meeting, I encouraged others, I listened to other's problems, I went to church. But I seemed to feel very numb to things.
I have been living a life that was not filled.
I just didn't realize that the things I do, these "good things", are supposed to be in response the love of Jesus. It should be for Jesus. God has been showing me things today and before today that showed me I wasn't living a full life. In Sunday school we are reading through a book called My Heart- Christ's Home, by Robert Boyd Munger.
I battled tears today because of what was read, in the story Jesus is waiting for this person in the living room so they can have a quiet time. The person at the beginning of his Christian walk would always come for those quiet times but he came less and less because he was just "too busy" but Christ said He would always be there. He said, "The trouble is that you have been thinking of the quiet time, of Bible study and prayer, as a means for your own spiritual growth. This is true, but you have forgotten that this time means something to me also. Remember, I love you. At a great cost I have redeemed you. I value your fellowship. Just to have you look up into my face warms my heart. Don't neglect this hour if only for my sake. Whether or not you want to be with me, remember I want to be with you. I really love you!"
I held back my tears as I heard that. He loves me. Me! This stupid girl that has been following the pattern set down without doing those things with the knowledge that Christ loves me. He wants me to do those things for Him.
Oh man. That little book (and when I say little I mean small. It's 27 pages long and it's about 3'' wide and 6'' long) hasn't been the only way God has laid this on my heart. I've been reading the Elsie Dinsmore books again, how I wished I had her faith. A child-like faith, she told her dear Savior about all her troubles and joys. I so want to talk to Him like that, I want to tell Him about my day. But I seem to have lost the ability to express my heart, but I think with His help I will have prayer times like I haven't had in a long time.
In youth group we've been talking about spiritual battles and that finally pounded it into my head, God wants me to be alive and living for Jesus, Satan wants me to wither away.
Oh, God is so good. He didn't leave me alone, even though I've been confused for a while. I don't think I'm done learning about this whole thing, so this is just where I'm at now.
Oh and on a note of happiness, one of Kristy's friends is going to have a baby. She got married last year and I'm so happy for her. I've known her since I was wee and Kristy's known her since they were wee. I got to help set up for her wedding. I'm so happy for her! :)