A reminder of identity

^{Romans 7:24-8:2
24} What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 


²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

   So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

¹ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Recovering from being a jerk

You know that moment in a movie when the hero makes a terrible error and alienates everyone he knows?  When he is the BIGGEST jerk possible and all you can do is cringe?  Sometimes I'm that guy.

Everyone has layers to their personalities.  I am shy when we first meet; next I am boisterous and spend most of my time making jokes about leering and online dating.  After I have discovered if you share a love of deep conversations you and I may spend hours discussing life, God, and why there are so many creepy men in my county.  These are my preferred presentations to people and in general I manage to maintain that.  I like to only display the best of my personality.

Now when it comes to family or very close friends they get glances of what goes on in my head.  Sometimes the last thing I want to do is to be invested in a conversation with a family member or roommate.  Sometimes I'm grumpy for no reason and take it out on someone else by withholding invested conversation.  For some reason I begin to resent the people closest to me.  I'm still unsure of where this comes from.

But even more cringe inducing is when I am an outright jerk.  I've seen this most recently when I'm spewing facts like I know what I'm talking about and someone gently provides an opposing view.  Actually, he/she shows that I was completely wrong and a little bit of an idiot.  Suddenly my image (see the second paragraph) is blown apart.  I am now in flight or fight because I have to figure out how recover from my icky mistake.

Rationalize, leave, or lash out in prideful anger.  Usually all three. What disturbs me the most is that all this is driven from pride.  I turn into this gollum-esque creature that values self and image above anything.  How do I gracefully accept that I am wrong?

This summer Julie and I were camp nurses and we made a lot of ice packs for a lot of minor injuries.  I swear 90% of nursing is holding hands and soothing feelings.  One girl came in tears to us in the back of the chapel during the evening message and reported that "scratched my eye with a piece of paper and it huuuuuuurts."  It was my turn to make an ice pack so off we went to the kitchen.  I really just wanted to get back and sit down.  Camp required longer hours than my job and there was no separation between personal time and "nurse" time.  I was tired and just wanted to sit for half an hour.  So I cut a corner.  I put ice in the ziplock and handed it to the girl, without a paper towel to buffer the cold.  We returned and Julie looked at me quizzically and asked why I hadn't put a paper towel on it.  Suddenly I was angry and fearful...  I had been caught.

I've always operated on the thought that Julie is definitely harder working and probably smarter than me.  I respond to this by being defensive and very cautious in stating my medical opinions around her.  So when she confronted me about my barrier-less ice pack, I responded in an annoyed and defensive tone that "she won't even have it on that long."  I reassured myself that I was probably in the right when I saw the girl, ice pack-less, happily goofing off with her friends three minutes later.

I never forgot that incident and still feel tinges of guilt about my pride.  I hate that sometimes I respond in fear of injury to my pride.  Why does it matter if I look like an idiot jerk?  Why must I be so rigid in controlling my appearance? I hate pride.

The truth is I can convince myself pretty easily that I'm always right and that wrong courses of action are actually okay.  Occasionally someone catches me and ends up holding up a mirror so I can actually see my behavior. Oh man, I hate it when that happens.  I can so easily add cutting corners.  The truth is I need people to hold mirrors up to me.

I need the people closest to me to be honest about the behavior they see.  I need them to be okay with awkward conversations.  I need to add a new "recovery strategy" which involves laying all of my stupidity out on the table.  I hate wondering what other people will think, but honestly they can already tell I'm kind of being an idiot, it's just the specifics that aren't clear.  But I am certain that the people closest to me will respond with grace, or if not that we can have a conversation that will lead to humility on my part and grace on their part.

It's all part of "living in community".  This is a very cliche term in Christianity these days. It is a concept that encompasses huge things like dedicating your life to Christ, being honest with other people who have experienced a taste of redemption, and being honest about how you are really messed up and how you need Christ every second to help you in your mess.  At community group last night the main passage of interest was 1 John 1:5-7, but I'm going to include 8-10.

"Walking in the light" and "walking in the darkness" are two main concepts.  I would identify an example of "walking in darkness" as when I respond in anger over an injury to my pride. At that moment the most important thing to me is restoring my image, not God, not people, but me.  Verse 7 talks about walking like Christ, having fellowship with others, and being purified from sin. This is community and it is all interwoven. As believers we are constantly being sanctified and new areas of sin are being revealed.  I need to be honest about my devotion to pride so that others can hold a mirror when I'm being an idiot.  Know this, holding a mirror is not judgment, it is a loving action that acts as a safeguard against me becoming the hugest jerk on the planet.

8-10 focuses on sin and how we are not perfect.  We have/are/will sinned/sinning/sin.  I need my brothers and sisters to walk with me "in community" because I am not a pillar of moral uprightness.  I need loving correction. I need to practice what it feels like to have my meanness laid out in front of people.  This is a safe place to try.  I have great friends, family, and a church that encourages honest and committed relationships.    Pride needs to be eliminated and confronted.

5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all^[b] sin.

 ⁸ If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

Fierce

I started zumba.  I see a lot of fierce women and I love the idea of being fierce.

I wish I were Samoan.  I think they're really fierce.

I also sometimes wish I was a gangster, but I know this is also unrealistic. 

But really I think I come off as this. 

And during zumba I feel like this.  Gangly. 

Maybe I should add this to my hobbies to get more fierceness.. 

Pft!

"My career destroyed my marriage, and it will destroy you." -Experienced nurse manager

Is anyone else afraid their career will destroy all relationships/change you into a completely different person who has no compassion? No?  That's just me?  Oh weird.

Overall people have a really positive view of nurses.  They're so kind and sympathetic and giving... Angels of mercy.

Well, that's the general view.  Here's what I've learned in my four months of real nursing.

People get jaded.  I've met a lot of nurses who are tired of dealing with angry people. Healthcare is an interesting situation because people act like a hospital is like McDonald's.  I am in pain, so I expect you to completely fix all of my pain. Part of this is cultural because Americans demand all things immediately.  But dealing with human beings is not like making a hamburger, sometimes we cannot fix you.  Sometimes you have to live with pain/discomfort.  However, this is not common sense and people can get angry when they feel their needs are not being met.  And sometimes we see people who come in for pain, but they actually need mental/spiritual healing and not physical.  They react with anger when I tell them I am giving them nonopioid pain relief.

I find that the situations that exhaust me the most are not when I am doing compressions, but when I am dealing with angry people who want me to fix them, but I cannot.  I want to address what I think their real problems are, but I'm only a nurse and not a psychologist.  So we keep up this vicious cycle of people complaining of physical pain and requesting narcotics to cover their emotional pain/drug habit.  I wish I could talk to them about what brought them to this point.

My heart hurts for these people.  I feel used by them. I am tired of being a conduit to put a bandaid over a huge problem that cannot be fixed by drugs.  I want them to know that I can see they have been through a lot.  I know they have a lot of hurt and that they have seen terrible things.  I want them to know that covering up this problem won't solve it and that Jesus really loves them and wants to free them from their pain.

So sometimes I'm afraid I will take all of this confusion and frustration and become bitter.  I think when I stop caring about people I need to change jobs.  When I feel anxious about becoming calloused, I am reminded of Melba.  She worked in community health for years and that field has its own challenges, but all fall back into the root of trying to cover up a large problem with a bandaid.  I know Melba has worked with difficult patients and yet she is the most joyful person I know.  I realized that Jesus makes the difference when it comes to being jaded.  Melba has more to offer to people because she does not rely on her own compassion,  instead she relies on Jesus' compassion, which never ceases.

I told God I was growing frustrated with not being able to really help my patients and I was reminded that this is kind of what God goes through with us...  He knows all of our problems and the areas we struggle with.  He wants to help, but so often we ignore Him.  He deals with a stubborn people, but His compassion never ceases.  God fill me with this compassion!

So that's one problem.  The other one is that all  of the wise nurses that have gone before (and really love to say "I've been a nurse longer than you've been alive."  It's seriously like the coolest thing ever to say.  I think I may say it next time someone asks me, hm...)  caution us to find something mystical called "work-life balance".  And apparently if you don't figure this out YOUR CAREER WILL DESTROY YOU.  Alright, you have sufficiently scared the crap out of me.

So I feel like a failure.  I really love my job (yes, even with my frustration about not being able to fix patients) and I love my coworkers.  But on my days off I kind of resemble a slug.  I don't do anything other than a trip to a coffee shop to journal about my job.  Yeah, I think I may not have that whole balance thing.  Now obviously I'm still a newbie and therefore need more focus on my job, but I really don't want to only live for my days at work.  I'm getting more involved at church, but for some reason I feel like if I don't start working out and find a hobby I will fail at this work-life balance thing. And if I don't succeed at that I may end up becoming a mass murderer/something equally terrible?

I tend to be pretty legalistic and I like having rules and lists so I can quantify my life.  But I also feel  like I need to give myself a lil grace when it comes to figuring out what it looks like to be an adult.

I think in general I should be satisfied with baby steps.  And hopefully next year I will be able to say cool things like "Oh yes, I will be going on a cruise with Julie, Marge and Cass" or "Yes, I am going to India for a few weeks", but right now please don't expect me to say such things.  I would like to be honest with you about the fact that my major goal right now is actually working up enough courage to go to the Y by myself.

Wake Up O Sleeper!

Ephesians is legit, no really...  You should read it.  I'm a big fan.  After a quick reading of the book a few things stuck out to me.  There are reoccurring mentions of power and of the new life that we should be living vs. the old life that is unfulfilled and unhelpful.

The old life looks like this "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice" (4:31).  Let's walk down a little goat trail to understand this concept a little better.  I can see all of these things entwined in one scenario.  Let's say John used all of my favorite type of bread.  Maybe I tried to discuss this with him and I thought we had an understanding...  But he keeps stealing my whole-grain deliciousness.  So at first I was angry, but when it continued it turned to wrath.  Maybe we had some moments filled with clamor and angry words.  All purposeless interactions that only lead to anger.  So what do I do to blow off steam?  I talk to someone else about it.  Talking about John's craftiness and the lengths he goes to in an attempt to spite me and incur my wrath.  So I've slandered him.  And now all of my interactions with him have an undertone of malice.

Of course John wouldn't steal my bread, but I've heard of and been involved in ridiculous conflicts like this.  They do nothing to promote the image of Christ and in fact cause my witness to become marred.  I was amazed at the kind of person I became over stupid little things.  It broke my  heart to think how I was bringing shame instead of glory to God's name.

I'm sinful, so the fact that I'll keep sinning my whole life is kind of a given.  However, (and here is where the power comes in) God did not leave me in my mess.  He teaches and corrects me.  Paul writes about the "immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe"(1:19). The whole power of God available to us through his grace!  Astounding!

And honestly, there are layers of sin in my life that I'm not aware of...  You may have seen them, but I'm still blind to them.  I really like Jon Foreman's lyrics "baptize my eyes".  Everything about my perspective needs to change to God's view.  I want to life to be vital.  I want to always be in a continual state of growth.

And God wants us to grow closer to him.  "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you" (5:14). Paul encourages us to be children of light and to have no part with darkness.  Instead of all those nasty things like malice and wrath there should be thankfulness!   There should be psalms, hymns, spiritual songs, melodies to God, and most of all thanksgiving.  The thanksgiving should be always and for everything.

What a concept of community God has for us...  Instead of arguments about silly things there would be thankfulness for what we have?  And unity?  Whoa.  I want that.  But I know it's going to be a battle, but thankfully I have all the power of God to help me. And that's a great thing.

Taiwan! 2/7

I'm here sitting in my room looking out over the "canal" or "river" or whatever you decide to call it (depending on how OCD you are...).  It's a sunny and warm day here in Taipei.  The weather has been incredible.  People here  have been wearing layers because sixty degrees is winter weather to them.  I've been breaking out dresses.  I feel like I should be at the beach.

We've been here for over a week now.  What can I even say about this experience?  Nothing can really fully describe what we've experienced.  I'll give you some highlights..  The Taiwanese people put Americans to shame with their hospitality.  I've been invited on rounds with doctors and the top cardiac surgeon in the country explained what he was doing as he performed surgery.  It was actually really funny...  Jess and I had been in the operating room watching the staff prepare the patient for the bypass surgery.  Everyone was very friendly and allowed us to stand at the head and look down at the patient's chest as they cut through his sternum. We left for lunch and came back around the time that the main surgeon was supposed to come.  He walked into the operating room and immediately started talking to us.  Everyone in the room stood up straighter when he walked in and here he was...  This super important person taking time to teach us. They actually asked med students to move so we could have a better view.  Uhhh...

More to come when I have some time to sit down and put some thoughts together. :)

Some glad morning...

I went with Dad and Mom to one of the long-term care facilities he sings at.  I sat next to a bunch of people in wheel chairs.  The lady closest to me was very hard of hearing, which is kind of the bane of my existence.  My voice is almost completely impossible for people with hearing difficulties to understand.  This has led to me being called Elee, Elsie, Elisie, Denise, and many other variations.  I despise yelling at people and when I have to yell at people for them to hear me I loathe it even more.  I usually don't "yell" loud enough and so I have to repeat myself several times.

Anyhoo, the lady next to me usually glared at me when she couldn't understand me, but I did learn a little about her.  It made me smile when (for most of the songs she sat quietly and listened) she would hear a song she recognized and would belt it out loudly.  She especially liked I'll Fly Away.  I told her I liked her voice.  She yelled, "WHAT!?" in the middle of the song and Dad had to repeat it so she could actually hear.  Great.

That was all a digression...  I love being with older adults.  They are treasures and it is one of my goals as a nurse to make sure I value them appropriately.  They have no pretensions, no business...  They are wheeled to various places- almost all autonomy has been removed.  Suddenly as I sat listening to songs about God's grace, love, and power I felt like all of my worries meant nothing.  What did these people have to be worried about?  They weren't.  

A lovely woman I met in my home care rotation told me she didn't know why people worried so much.  "There's no reason to worry." She said...  This woman had a stroke 20 years ago and has lost much of her previous function.  She lives in an adult family home and has to have assistance with toileting.  And suddenly all of my worries slipped away.  What am I worried about?  My job?  School?  Family relationships?

I get so distracted from God. All those things I just stated seem to fill my mind constantly.  And then God allows me to see a different perspective.  Older adults are coming to the end of their lives.  All of their previous glory and achievements have all but faded away.  Now they have to humbly accept help or rigidly refuse it.  Everything is stripped away...  All of our ridiculous pride in our accomplishments, all of the worries about the cares of this world.  Suddenly you're being carted around to eat dry chicken and then having some stranger give you a bath.  The fact that you ran the Boston marathon suddenly doesn't seem to matter that much.

God is my solace and I forget that.  Distractions keep me from seeing that in reality, I'm just like those older adults...  I just have more things to deceive me into thinking that I'm very important and busy.   But when you come to the end of your life and all of those things are taken away, what is left?  Will I still be worried about ridiculous things or will I have realized that God really was the one who provided for me...  And all of my worrying meant nothing.

I'm pretty sure my 80 or so years on earth will go by very quickly and soon I'll be wearing diapers and being fed thickened soups.  It seems like it's preparation for what's coming.  All of my achievements are gone and suddenly I am alone.  Soon I will stand before my Lord by myself with no distractions.  This is glorious. May I live with this in mind.  All the things of earth will soon pass.

Altars

"I like those scenes in the Bible where God stops people and asks them to build an altar. You'd think He was making them do that for Himself, but I don't think God really gets much from looking at a pile of rocks. Instead, I think God wanted his people to build altars for their sake, something that would help them remember, something they would look back on and remember the time when they were rescued, or they were given grace."  -Donald Miller.  A Million Miles in a Thousand Years pg 213-214

We used to sing Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing at my first church.  The second verse in that song talks about raising an Ebenezer (coincidentally, since Christmas is five days away...  Ebenezer Scrooge?  He failed to remember how God had blessed him?  Did Charles Dickens do that on purpose?  Maybe I should read it and find out), which basically means the same thing as an altar. I remember Mike talking about how much he loved that verse and something about building ebenezers in our lives.  Obviously nothing except the fact that I now thought Come Thou Fount was cool came from that talk. Sometimes I think my skull is impenetrable.

Side note:  I do feel that introspection can be very dangerous. My aim in this is not to dive deeper and deeper into myself.

A few years ago I thought it would be a great idea to write down the things I was grateful for.  I kept that up for about 2 months and then I forgot.  It got old.  My commitment to God is faulty and faithfulness is not my strong suit. Last year I struggled with not feeling any emotion while singing in church.  I felt nothing and the lyrics were uninteresting to me.  I would rather think about that cute boy three rows ahead of me, and then, dangit...  I would see his wife next to him.

I talked to a few people about how I felt dead.  I used to love to sing to God...  Songs about His greatness and love were so applicable. I wondered why I no longer felt any desire, why my first love was gone. After prayer and talking to wise Christians, and several months of confusion and angst it finally came to me.  I was not moved to praise God because the cute guy in front of me had more of a space in my brain than the good things God had done in my life.  Once again God's unfailing and perfect love drew me back.  I repented and I decided to start blogging about His grace again. I did for a little while, but once again I stopped. This time it was because I had started the month of lunacy in the junior year.  I was "too busy" to write about His grace.  That always backfires on me...

A few months later I was gently reminded that I had ignored God once again.  And it was time to change my journal technique.  Now I was going to include the evidences of God's grace in my life, as well as prayer needs, and a reflection on the reading.  This forced me to work on most of the spiritual disciplines.  This has kept up ever since, but now God is calling me to do more than that. 

When I got back from Mexico Mom and Dad told me that I should write down my memories from that trip.  Did I?  No, because I was stubborn and lazy.  Also, that month after I got back from Mexico I was a total slug and I've never felt so worthless.  Basically, I learned that a calm Saturday should be just that... One day, not a whole month.  Hulu loses its charm after the third episode of Doogie Houser.

At clinical conference with Prof. K. and Danette I talked about a patient who was developmentally delayed and didn't actually want our help, but she really needed it.  I pondered what to do with people like that and Prof K. asked if I journaled my thoughts.  I said no and a pang of guilt shot through me, I should be though, I thought.

The next week I was waiting in P's Home Health office for my nurse to finish her business.  I was lost in thought about something, probably how lush this clinical assignment was when I heard someone say, "Well, you're just getting your rollerskates on, aren't ya?"  I looked up and saw a nurse who I had been a little bit terrified of previously.  I said something along the lines of "excuse me?" and she said that I was just about to start my career in nursing.  She told me her one regret was that she didn't write down her experiences.  She told me that I should, so I can remember them.

Because actually, my memory isn't infallible and I forget some really amazing things.  After this I figured God had told me to do the same thing three times, so I should probably get my butt in gear. I told Julie that night (because whenever I say something out loud, I feel like I've committed to it...  So I have to do it).  She told me she thought I had a gift for story-telling and that it was a great idea.

Alright, God... I got the message.  You can put down the megaphone now. ...Maybe.  Who knows with the track-record I have.

Here are a few of my thoughts right now...  I'm making it public so I have to do it. ;)

1) I need to focus on praying for things more consistently...  Unfortunately, my prayer life tends to be very much like my altars.

2) God is present and faithful and He tells me not to fear about next year.

3) I'm extremely forgetful and God is extremely gracious and patient. 

4) God called me to nursing and He will be faithful to continue this work until its completion. 

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

 ¹ My heart is not proud, LORD,
   my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
   or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted myself,
   I am like a weaned child with its mother;
   like a weaned child I am content.

 ³ Israel, put your hope in the LORD
   both now and forevermore.

Obstinate Thermometers, Stubborn Over-bed Tables, and Incompetency

I usually feel completely incompetent when I'm at clinicals.  The things that usually get me are quite inconspicuous, like an innocent little thermometer or a simple looking over-bed table (which are not simple- ever.).  It is amazing how I get completely flustered over things that should be simple.  I realized (in part, I know there are more pieces to that puzzle) why I feel so incompetent all the time.  I have one task in mind (like a morning assessment) and yet when I walk in the room the patient tells me he is in pain, he would like some coffee, he wants more pillows, he wants help with brushing his teeth, and he would like a new gown. So my agenda is bombarded with tens of other tasks that are all wonderful and important things, but I end up getting flustered when my task list is not the same as my patient's.  I forget to do important things because I get side-tracked.

It amazes me how difficult multitasking is.  I used to think I was pretty good at multitasking, but now I realize that I never really had much to do.  In all of this hustle and bustle I lose sight of why I'm actually in the room (because juggling an assessment, transferring a patient to the chair, tracking down the nurse and remembering to demonstrate Christ's love is apparently too much for my tiny brain).  I'm not in the room to do an assessment on a patient or to get coffee, I'm there (ultimately) to show them Christ's love. So not only do nurses have to deal with physical and emotional needs, they also have to deal with spiritual needs. People are complex and their needs are also very complex.

So I often feel like I am just trying to stay above water.  I try to do things for my patients to show them I care, but I feel like I am sort of invisible to them. I am simply a means to relief of pain for some of them.  This attitude was pretty obvious this week at clinicals.  My first patient was in a lot of pain, she was pleasant, but had been in the hospital for a week.  She did not want a lot to do with me, other than getting pain meds and sleep.  I totally understand her frustration and I wanted to give her as much space as I could.  My second patient was much more willing to spend time with me.

I offered to help her brush her teeth and wash her hair.  We were talking about nurses and she remarked that you can tell the really excellent nurses by how much they care for the little things.  I had never had a patient say something like that.  We talk about that in our classes all of the time.  That was always my aim, I want patients to know I care and one of my patients actually understood why I do what I try to do.

That whole interaction encouraged me to keep trying to do my best- even if the thermometer refuses to work and the over-bed table does not comply with my attempt to raise it.  Patients do notice when nurses take a little extra time to do "the simple things".

Christian nurses? Prayer with patients?

I prayed with a patient for the first time this week.  I never viewed my role as a Christian nursing student as being similar to a Christian going door to door.  My witnessing was by service- not by handing out pamphlets.  The instructors talked about praying with patients, but I never felt called to pray with a patient.  My patients were either getting better or were having psych problems.  I never felt that prayer was needed or appropriate. 

My patient on Thursday is addicted to several substances.  He was very concerned about not getting into a rehab clinic after leaving the hospital.  I could see the fear in his eyes.  He acted annoyed and verbalized his agitation with the situation.  I prayed silently for him.  I got to know him pretty well when I interviewed him for Gordon's.  I appreciated his candor about his addictions and I sensed that he honestly wanted to change and that he despised the place he was at in life. 

I also considered how I could walk away from that hospital completely free.  There is nothing in the world that has power over me.  When he leaves the hospital he has no support system.  He knew how easy it would be to end up back on the streets- taking heroin and eating two pieces of toast every other day.  He was terrified of leaving that hospital.  It signified safety to him- it was a place where he could actually get help. 

I felt like I should offer to pray for him.  I prayed for him right before I left for the post clinical conference.  He seemed a little awkward about the whole situation, but he agreed to let me pray for him.  I asked God to free him from this addiction.  I asked that he would get into a rehab program and that he would have peace.  I could so clearly see the bondage he was in and I knew he felt enslaved as well.  I hope he finds freedom. 

I guess I am learning that nursing is not a formula that you can apply to every patient.  We were taught that care needs to be tailored to the specific patient- well, I feel that spiritual care also needs to be suited to each patient.  Christian nurses need to be open to the leading of the Spirit.  He will lead us to say the words the patient needs to hear.  The effect of our actions is not immediate, but God rarely immediately resolves situations.  I know He has a good plan for my patient and I am so thankful that He allowed me to get to know one of His children. 

1/29

Friday was my first day on the floor at Providence.  I miss Evergreen.  I miss the open spaces.  I miss the simple charting system.  I miss the fact that the meds were in the room, instead of by the nurse's station.  I miss my old clinical instructors.  I miss waking up at 9am for clinicals.

So first of all, getting up at 4:40 is not nice... ever.  The girls and I all agreed that clinicals feel much more epic and taxing when you have the morning shift.  I spent the first hour and a half on the floor in my patient's room.  I'm not even sure how the tasks took that long.  There was only one CNA on the sixth floor (for maybe fifty patients, whereas at Evergreen there was one nurse tech to 12 patients) and I only saw him maybe three times the whole day.  At Evergreen I had to fight the nurse techs (I guess they don't have nurse techs at Prov) off so I could do some tasks, but at Prov all the CNA did was take vitals.  I think that's why patient care took so much longer than it has before.  Plus, my patient had psych problems and required a lot of attention. 

I was very ready to sit down and relax after I finished that shift.  The nurse was only in the room for about twenty minutes for the whole day.  So I provided most of the care. I can't imagine having four patients.  

I liked my rotation at Evergreen.  The work the nurses did looked interesting to me.  I was on the med-surge floor at Evergreen and I'm still on a med-surge floor at Prov.  But my view of med-surge has changed.  It seems like all the nurses do there is babysit patients.  I used to be afraid to be involved with trauma cases, but now I want to be involved in something with a little more intensity.  I'll have to wait and see what God shows me.  I have a feeling He'll give me a desire to work in a specific location.  

Yesterday was the first day in nursing school that I started to doubt whether I should even be a nurse. I made a lot of mistakes and I was tired of failing all the time and feeling like an idiot.  I know it's all part of the learning process, but I kept having this reoccurring doubt of whether I was capable of doing this job.  Nurses have to be SO on top of their game- if they don't, people die. Can I handle that responsibility?  I wanted to crawl back into my books where it's safe.  I don't have power over people's lives.  Teaching in a nursing school seems a lot more attractive to me today than it ever has.  I've always loved learning about the nuts and bolts of things.

Plus, textbooks are safe.  You can't kill someone with coronary artery disease just by reading about it. 

Caroline told me that everyone has days like these.  I know that's true, but I've only doubted my calling once before and God immediately quelled my doubt.  He's letting me sit with this one, I think. I imagine there will be days when I get off work and I'll never want to go back.  Did I imagine that my nursing career would be all rainbows and lollipops?  I think I did.  My view of the world is quite rosy, so when bad days come I don't know what to do with them.

I do know that I need to meditate on the evidence of God's grace in my life.  That always squashes those scary giants that threaten my sanity.   

• The nurse I worked with yesterday taught me how to change IV tubing.  She was very patient and wise.  I want to have the same confidence and kindness she showed to her coworkers and her patients.  
• My new clinical instructor is very nice.  She requires a lot, but that is SO good.  I'm learning how to be responsible for someone's life- this training process needs to be intense.  She is also very patient and understanding.  
• Margena, Julie and I were put into Cassandra's group.  Transferring to a new hospital without those two would be even harder than transferring to a new hospital (which is an enormous task.  It's like the first day of clinicals all over again).  
• I'm getting to know Whitney and Kara better.  Those two were the ones that I knew the least from the nursing cohort.  They are both very sweet, friendly and they're also really funny.  I'm very thankful I'm getting the opportunity to know them.
• The view from the hospital is beautiful.  I can see mountains covered with snow and the Sound.  I think the Northwest is the most beautiful place on the planet. 
• I get off from morning clinicals at 2:30- leaving me free to play/work for the rest of the afternoon.  I do like this.  I would get back from evening clinicals and go to bed an hour later.  
• I was at a low point emotionally, mentally and physically last night.  I was drained of all my strength.  I love being at that point because then I cannot rely on myself.  That is my desert where God removes all of the distractions, all of my self-confidence (I don't deal well with messing up.), and it is there that I can finally see the great peace He offers me.  I produce so much business in my life- I overlook the calm He brings.  I ended up staying up until almost 2 last night because I felt like savoring that feeling.  Absolutely drained- but convinced that God was present. 

I know He will clear out the mess my brain is in.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  ...What then shall we say in response to this? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  ...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death or nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:28, 31-32, 37-39

Task List.

This is a journal entry for my Faith Integration class.  I wrote it after yesterday's clinical experience.  I still have a lot of thoughts about yesterday- it wasn't my easiest day.

One of the things I love about nursing is that it is an opportunity to physically show Christ's love to others.  I suppose my main assumption about nursing was that my patients would be able to have normal conversation with me.  During clinicals I learned that this is not always the case.  I noticed that I struggle with patients who have psych problems.  How do I show love to someone who does not understand why I am doing what I am doing?  How do I show love to someone who misinterprets my actions as intended to harm him/her? 

These questions automatically made me think of Jesus.  He loved me while I was unresponsive and hateful toward Him.  He never got so caught up in the task of saving me that He forgot to show love to me.  I need to fight this form of apathy.  I need to remind myself that even if my patients do not show love to me, I still need to love them.  Even if they are unresponsive or rude- I am still called to love them.  I do not want to view my patients as items on a list of tasks.  My goal is to love them through service; I do not want to get sidetracked and view the task at hand as my reason for being a nurse.  I will get easily burned out if I do not remember why I am serving.  It all comes back to Christ's example of love. 

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die (or a nurse might be willing to work with a very pleasant patient).  But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Christ sacrificed His life for sinners who hated Him.  I may be called upon to help patients who strongly dislike me.  His example is supreme and He is worthy of all praise for His amazing sacrifice. I can look to His example and know that He will help me to love patients with His love.)

Worship

Out of pride have I come, bearing false sacrifice

It has only belied the hardness inside

I am here to repent. Will You break through this stone?

Will You humble this soul? Make me acceptable?

-You Have Opened My Mouth by Ghost Ship

 For the last couple of years I have felt extremely apathetic about worship.  I've felt apathetic about a lot of things.  Some of these things I used to care passionately about, but recently I've felt neutral or disinterested towards them.  This isn't to say that I've been completely disinterested in worship, but most of the time I don't feel like the songs apply to me.  So I guess I could say that most of the time I come bearing false sacrifice when I come to sing to God.

The last few years have been a dry patch for me spiritually.  God has done amazing things in the past two years, but I definitely felt a separation from Him from what I used to feel.  I was at a loss to find an answer to this new emotional state.  After praying and waiting for months and months I finally realized that I had ceased to maintain my thankful attitude toward God because I had stopped reminiscing on His work in my life.  That is why I started to blog again.  I realized that blogging is where I really enjoyed (and found it easier than writing in my journal) writing about God's grace.  What finally made me realize what started this dry spell was a statement made by Oswald Chambers.  He wrote that worship "is giving to God the best that He has given you" (entry for January 6.).

Another element that added to my confusion was being confronted with enthusiastic singing at NU.  Worship here is highly emotional (some people have described it as Jesus-is-my-boyfriend-lyrics) and highly repetitive.  People raise their hands, clap, and dance.  This was such a culture shock for me.  My junior high youth group worship functioned much like this, but that was a long time ago for me.  Since then I had gotten used to focusing on your response to the lyrics as the main point and not the emotions that everyone else had from the lyrics or music.  I guess at my church worship is more introverted, but here it is extroverted.

I was comforted to know that I wasn't the only one who struggled to adjust to this style of worship.  One friend explained that she doesn't express herself in worship the same way as the majority of NU students do.  I agreed with her.  My preferences in worship align much more with hymns.  I like the mix of words and how many different parts of a story they try to tell.  I struggle to "get into" repetitive songs that repeat the same nine words for twenty minutes (I'm not kidding).

I feel like judgment is so easy when it comes to worship.  For people like me, it's easy to look at people who worship in an extroverted style and automatically assume that they are just being swept away by their emotions and that there is no real change occuring in their lives.  This is so, so dangerous-not to mention sinful.  I am in no position to look at my brothers and sisters and assume that I know their stories and their lives.  Judgment is also easy from the other side.  Extroverted worshipers might assume that just because I am not raising my hands or openly weeping I'm not worshipping.

As I mentioned at the beginning I can see how I was bringing false sacrifices of worship for the past couple of years, but this also happens to extroverted worshippers.  This is one of the reasons I am so tempted to judge them: because I know that I do the same things.  I present this false image in order to be accepted, but am I actually listening to the words I'm singing?  Are they impacting my life?  Maybe...  Maybe not.  Only God and I know.

So this school year has been interesting.  I've struggled with understanding what worship looks like for me and what it looks like for other people.  I've learned that I like worship songs that are like the music that I listen to, which is pretty low-key.  I've learned that I do not like Jesus-is-my-boyfriend-lyrics being repeated endlessly.  I am very grateful for Mars Hill and the worship they have there.  They do a very good job of keeping the focus off of themselves and onto the lyrics and God.  I think that's another issue I struggle with here; I feel like I'm distracted by the clothes, hair, makeup, or fancy vocal flourishes the singers throw into worship.  ...But that's just me.

I guess the takeaway for me was that whether you worship outwardly or inwardly, you can still bring false sacrifice.  But don't think you can look at your neighbor and see what it going on in their heads- leave that to God. 

"Surely you desire truth in the inner parts... O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:6a, 15-17