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Friday was my first day on the floor at Providence.  I miss Evergreen.  I miss the open spaces.  I miss the simple charting system.  I miss the fact that the meds were in the room, instead of by the nurse's station.  I miss my old clinical instructors.  I miss waking up at 9am for clinicals.

So first of all, getting up at 4:40 is not nice... ever.  The girls and I all agreed that clinicals feel much more epic and taxing when you have the morning shift.  I spent the first hour and a half on the floor in my patient's room.  I'm not even sure how the tasks took that long.  There was only one CNA on the sixth floor (for maybe fifty patients, whereas at Evergreen there was one nurse tech to 12 patients) and I only saw him maybe three times the whole day.  At Evergreen I had to fight the nurse techs (I guess they don't have nurse techs at Prov) off so I could do some tasks, but at Prov all the CNA did was take vitals.  I think that's why patient care took so much longer than it has before.  Plus, my patient had psych problems and required a lot of attention. 

I was very ready to sit down and relax after I finished that shift.  The nurse was only in the room for about twenty minutes for the whole day.  So I provided most of the care. I can't imagine having four patients.  

I liked my rotation at Evergreen.  The work the nurses did looked interesting to me.  I was on the med-surge floor at Evergreen and I'm still on a med-surge floor at Prov.  But my view of med-surge has changed.  It seems like all the nurses do there is babysit patients.  I used to be afraid to be involved with trauma cases, but now I want to be involved in something with a little more intensity.  I'll have to wait and see what God shows me.  I have a feeling He'll give me a desire to work in a specific location.  

Yesterday was the first day in nursing school that I started to doubt whether I should even be a nurse. I made a lot of mistakes and I was tired of failing all the time and feeling like an idiot.  I know it's all part of the learning process, but I kept having this reoccurring doubt of whether I was capable of doing this job.  Nurses have to be SO on top of their game- if they don't, people die. Can I handle that responsibility?  I wanted to crawl back into my books where it's safe.  I don't have power over people's lives.  Teaching in a nursing school seems a lot more attractive to me today than it ever has.  I've always loved learning about the nuts and bolts of things.

Plus, textbooks are safe.  You can't kill someone with coronary artery disease just by reading about it. 

Caroline told me that everyone has days like these.  I know that's true, but I've only doubted my calling once before and God immediately quelled my doubt.  He's letting me sit with this one, I think. I imagine there will be days when I get off work and I'll never want to go back.  Did I imagine that my nursing career would be all rainbows and lollipops?  I think I did.  My view of the world is quite rosy, so when bad days come I don't know what to do with them.

I do know that I need to meditate on the evidence of God's grace in my life.  That always squashes those scary giants that threaten my sanity.   

• The nurse I worked with yesterday taught me how to change IV tubing.  She was very patient and wise.  I want to have the same confidence and kindness she showed to her coworkers and her patients.  
• My new clinical instructor is very nice.  She requires a lot, but that is SO good.  I'm learning how to be responsible for someone's life- this training process needs to be intense.  She is also very patient and understanding.  
• Margena, Julie and I were put into Cassandra's group.  Transferring to a new hospital without those two would be even harder than transferring to a new hospital (which is an enormous task.  It's like the first day of clinicals all over again).  
• I'm getting to know Whitney and Kara better.  Those two were the ones that I knew the least from the nursing cohort.  They are both very sweet, friendly and they're also really funny.  I'm very thankful I'm getting the opportunity to know them.
• The view from the hospital is beautiful.  I can see mountains covered with snow and the Sound.  I think the Northwest is the most beautiful place on the planet. 
• I get off from morning clinicals at 2:30- leaving me free to play/work for the rest of the afternoon.  I do like this.  I would get back from evening clinicals and go to bed an hour later.  
• I was at a low point emotionally, mentally and physically last night.  I was drained of all my strength.  I love being at that point because then I cannot rely on myself.  That is my desert where God removes all of the distractions, all of my self-confidence (I don't deal well with messing up.), and it is there that I can finally see the great peace He offers me.  I produce so much business in my life- I overlook the calm He brings.  I ended up staying up until almost 2 last night because I felt like savoring that feeling.  Absolutely drained- but convinced that God was present. 

I know He will clear out the mess my brain is in.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  ...What then shall we say in response to this? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  ...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death or nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:28, 31-32, 37-39